Everyone in the Galaxy Stay With Garrus
by Noraque
Summary: A crack fic based on Garrus' recruitment mission. I got the inspiration off of YouTube and decided to expand it GREATLY. Totally fun to write! Chapter 3 in another of my humour stories, but with some additions and modifications. Please READ AND REVIEW!


**A/N: This is based on one of the 'hidden dialogue' videos on YouTube, where Shepard leaves one crew member with Garrus on Omega. Some of the dialogues are from the game and some are from my own imagination. Enjoy!**

**Shepard:** Let's split up two and two. Keep one of my squad here with you.

**Garrus:** You sure? Who knows what you'll find down there!

**Shepard:** Jacob, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Jacob:** If you say so. I'm not really sure about this…

**Shepard:** Shut up and charge up your biotics!

**Garrus:** Thanks Shepard. You'd better get going.

**Shepard:** One moment. Jack, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Jack:** Yep.

**Garrus:** Uh Shepard, doesn't this mean you'll be going down there without any backup?

**Shepard:** Not at all! I got lots of options here! Grunt, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Grunt:** I don't care where I fight, as long as I get to hurt someone!

**Garrus:** Where the hell did he come from?

**Shepard: **I summoned him from the ship via Rapid Transit Console. You'd be surprised how quickly things happen in this day and age!

**Garrus**: …okay…

**Shepard:** Mordin, stay with Garrus; keep him safe.

**Mordin:** Will do what I can.

**Garrus:** Uh, why'd you ask him to keep me just 'safe'?

**Shepard:** He's a doctor and the only one truly capable of keeping you alive; therefore it's logical I wouldn't tell him to keep you alive. That's the way the game works!

**Garrus:** Game? What game?

**Shepard:** You'll see. Miranda, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Miranda:** …

**Shepard:** Uh, aren't you going to say something like everyone else?

**Miranda:** Apologies Shepard. I assumed you were tired of hearing me say 'understood, commander'.

**Shepard:** I don't care! Just say something so I know you heard me! Stay with Garrus!

**Miranda:** Understood, commander.

**Garrus:** Uh, Shepard- you _did_ say two and two, didn't you?

**Shepard:** Samara, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Samara:** As you wish.

**Garrus:** Wait a minute; isn't she supposed to be picked up _after_ me?

**Shepard:** (shrugs) My mission, my rules. Speaking of which- Thane, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Thane: **Excellent. I can do more damage from up here anyway.

**Garrus:** Hey! There's only room for one sniper on this team, pal!

**Shepard:** You don't want to piss him off; he's a damn good assassin. Tali, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Tali:** Just like old times, Garrus.

**Garrus:** Yeah. One big happy reunion. Listen Shepard; maybe you should get going…

**Shepard:** Legion, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Legion:** Acknowledged.

**Garrus:** Ummm… okay Shepard, I'm going to trust you on this but we're going to have a long talk when this is over.

**Shepard:** Don't bother; you'll just be in the middle of some calibrations whenever I walk in. Zaeed, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Zaeed:** Bloody right mate!

**Garrus:** Uh, Shepard- don't you think this is a bit much?

**Shepard;** Oh, I'm just getting started! Kasumi, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Kasumi:** You got it, Shep!

**Garrus:** Shep? Okay, what the hell did I miss?

**Shepard:** Don't even ask. Joker, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Joker:** Aye-aye Commander. Just give me a leather chair and a standard rifle and we're good to go.

**Garrus:** Uh, Shepard- do you really think it's a good idea to…

**Shepard:** Just bear with me. EDI, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**EDI:** Very well Commander. I will distract the mercenaries with the complete history of humanity's rise in the galaxy until you return. Logging you out, Shepard.

**Garrus:** (incredulously) You're planning on leaving me with an AI that intends to try to bore the mercs to death?

**Shepard:** Doctor Chakwas, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Dr. Chakwas:** As you would have it Commander.

**Garrus:** Nice to see you too Doc, but do you really think you should…

**Shepard:** Kelly, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Kelly:** Oooh! I'm gonna love me some turian!

**Garrus:** Uh Shepard, are you feeling alright?

**Shepard:** Perfectly fine. Just exercising my right of choice in this universe. Ken and Gabby, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Ken:** I'm prepped to kick these buggers right in the daddy bags!

**Gabby:** Can you think of nothing else but that particular region of your body?

**Ken:** Just because _you_ love admiring it…

**Garrus:** Uh, Commander….

**Shepard:** Right- on to the next one. Gardner, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Mess Sergeant Gardner:** Once I start wiping the floor with these mercs, they're going to be begging to be my new toilet scrubbers!

**Garrus:** Where the hell did you find all these people?

**Shepard: **Hell if I know. Cerberus gets its people from all over the place. Illusive Man, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Illusive Man:** Preservation of turian life is not on our current list of Cerberus goals; preservation of humanity is. (takes drag from cigarette). But I'll see what I can do.

**Garrus:** Shepard?

**Shepard: **Don't pay him any attention; if he doesn't die of lung cancer soon, I'm looking forward to killing him in _Mass Effect 3_. Conrad, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Conrad:** You got it Shepard! Just wait until these mercs come running into my sights! I've got guns to shoot and asses to kick!

**Garrus:** Shepard…

**Shepard:** Don't worry; he'll be dead in five minutes. Anderson, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Councillor Anderson:** Roger that Commander. Everyone get to cover behind that sofa! Ramirez, you take point! We're Oscar Mike!

**Garrus:** …

**Anderson:** Oh sorry, wrong game. (folds hands behind back). Oh course Commander, I understand. I'll do everything in my power to keep Garrus alive.

**Garrus:** Shepard, do you really think…

**Anderson:** Get down! That YMIR Heavy Mech has a visual on you!

**Shepard:** See Anderson, this is why I nominated you _out_ of the field. Udina, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Udina:** What? You expect me to lay my life down for a turian renegade? Shepard, do the words 'political shit-storm' mean anything to you?

**Garrus:** Shepard, if you leave him here, _I'm_ going to shoot him!

**Shepard:** I'll try not to get too upset. Citadel Council, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Turian Councillor:** Ah yes, 'Garrus Vakarian'; a former C-Sec officer who joined you in your foolish quest to prove the existence of Reapers and who wanted to become a Spectre. Ah, we have dismissed that claim.

**Garrus:** Shepard…

**Shepard:** I promise if they're still alive by the time we get back, I'll kill them myself. Aria, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Aria:** And exactly why should I care about him?

**Shepard:** Because I'm looking forward to taking you down in _Mass Effect 3_ and I want you to feel like you really are the Queen of the Galaxy before I kill you.

**Aria:** (huffing) Oh, _alright_.

**Shepard:** Atta good dictator. Harbinger, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Harbinger:** Assuming direct control of the sniper…

**Garrus:** Uh, no! That's alright, thanks. Listen Shepard, maybe it would be better if…

**Shepard: **Saren, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Saren:** I will defend him like I defended Nihlus, Shepard.

**Garrus:** …

**Saren:** I mean _before_ I fell under Sovereign's influence.

**Garrus:** Somehow, that doesn't reassure me.

**Shepard:** Benezia, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Benezia:** These mercenaries' guns are a poor disguise for their fear!

**Garrus:** How about the disguise for _my_ fear?

**Shepard:** Sovereign, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Sovereign:** These mercenaries' pitiful attempts are over…

**Garrus:** Well, I won't question that.

**Shepard:** Ashley, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Ashley:** Aye-aye, skipper! It's time for payback!

**Garrus:** Uh, aren't you supposed to be dead Ash?

**Ashley:** Yeah, but I decided to come kick some ass anyway. Besides, I might just be starting to like you.

**Shepard:** Too bad you had to die to figure that out, Chief. Kaidan, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Kaidan:** Never! I'll never work for Cerberus! You betrayed me!

**Garrus:** Uh, Kaidan? I'm not with Cerberus. It's me, your old teammate Garrus!

**Kaidan:** Hey, it's the plot device they gave me. I'm doing the best I can, alright?

**Shepard:** Liara, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Liara:** Have these mercenaries faced an asari commando unit before? Few humans have. I'll make it simple; either these mercenaries back away from my old teammate or I'll filet them alive- with my mind!

**Garrus:** Uh, Liara? Are you okay?

**Liara:** Garrus! Oh, by the Goddess, did I frighten you?

**Garrus:**… okay, I'm not going to even answer that.

**Shepard:** Wrex, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Wrex:** Shepard.

**Garrus:** Well, I'm glad to see he hasn't changed at least.

**Shepard:** You and me both. Dr. Michel, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Dr. Michel:** Very well, Commander. I will distract the mercs with my hot body and my sexy accent.

**Garrus:** Shepard, you leave her here and _I_ might be the one distracted!

**Shepard:** Stay focused, my horny turian friend. Emily, stay with Garrus; keep alive.

**Emily Wong:** Great! I've never interviewed murderous mercs while they were trying to kill me before! This should make my publisher really happy!

**Garrus:** Uh, aren't you the anchor woman now, Miss Wong?

**Emily:** I know! Isn't it exciting?

**Shepard:** Helena, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Helena Bake:** But I'm a charity worker now, Shepard! You turned me onto that!

**Shepard: **Oh, right. (under breath) Damn, I knew my good intentions would bite me in my well-toned ass one of these days. (aloud). Well, try and get in touch with some of your old crime bosses. Hopefully, they and the mercs will wipe each other out and I won't have to waste time hunting them all down in _Mass Effect 3_.

**Helena:** As you wish, Commander.

**Garrus:** (sighing) Okay Shepard; you've left me with half the people you've encountered in the last two years. I think I'll be able to stay alive for the next few minutes. Problem is now you've got no one to go with you down to close the shutter doors before the mercs get here in twenty seconds.

**Shepard:** Twenty seconds?

**Garrus:** Yeah, you wasted all that time leaving me useless squad mates.

**Shepard:** Shit. EDI, is there anyone else I could take with me on this mission?

**EDI:** If you wish to know Shepard, you may take the two fish from your cabin aquarium with you.

**Shepard:** (brandishing her machine pistol) OH, WE'RE GONNA KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS NOW!

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Please review!**


End file.
